Wow, this is so relatable! It like you describing me except for I have never attempted suicide although I always had the strong urge to do that and imagined doing it. It been 8 years now for me suffering from depression, only difference is that it not as strong as before, I not really suicidal just wanna die and I got used to feeling like shit so much that I even fool myself into thinking that it not that bad and I can do daily things like a normal healthy person and no one else suspects anything. Also I have the same problem I always have to be busy and distracted otherwise I feel like I go crazy and I also wonder how I just made it so far.
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